Sibling rivalry, the jealous aggression and competition which occurs between siblings, is often experienced in families with more than one child. And, while there is no indication that it is any more prevalent among twins than singletons, many mothers of multiples will say it exists with intensity. If handled incorrectly, twin sibling rivalry can be very disruptive and damaging; one need only recall the story of Jacob and Esau to realize how significant and long lasting the effects can be.
Causes of Twin Rivalry
The University of Michigan Health System indicates that sibling rivalry occurs as children attempt to define themselves and discover their unique talents and abilities. It also can arise when siblings feel they are getting "unequal amounts of attention, discipline, and responsiveness" from their parents.
Family dynamics may play a role in fostering rivalry. For example, if parental reaction to conflict is too tolerant or openly supportive; if family interactions are predominantly competitive in nature; or if a child reminds a parent of someone whom the parent herself has issues with and allows this to subconsciously influence the way she treats the child, strong sibling rivalry may result.
With twins the need to establish individual identities and discover unique talents or abilities is paramount. Being compared with their twin or mistaken for their sibling can lead to resentment, especially if they must share everything from a room, clothes, toys, activities to friends. It is not the sharing which is so difficult; it is the lack of individual recognition and appreciation which often causes the friction. Twins feel an intense need to be appreciated for their uniqueness. This begins very early in their lives.
Cardinal Rules for Parenting Twins
There are two cardinal rules for parenting twins:
- Every positive attempt twins make to differentiate themselves from each other should be met with strong parental support and encouragement
- Make a sincere effort to treat them fairly.
Supportive Parental Response
One supportive response is to treat all family members with respect. For the twins, respect comes down to not having to share everything, all of the time. Allow them to have things which they do not have to share with anyone. It is okay to have toys designated as "share toys" and others which are not; or to have certain clothes which belong to only one or the other of the twins, not both.
Also, twins do not have to do all of the same activities. For example, allow one to take up ice skating and the other to take gymnastics. This discourages them from directly competing with one another. And, it encourages the development of separate interests. It also teaches them to be supportive of each other when everyone in the family can share in their accomplishments by cheering them on.
Likewise, comparing them with each other is off limits! Praise each child for their individual achievements and accomplishments without pointing out their shortcomings compared with their sibling. To draw a comparison would foster feelings of animosity, resentment, and low self-esteem.
Another positive step is spending individual time with each twin. Personal time can lessen any friction between them. Remember to provide undivided attention during this special time. Turn off the laptop, cell phone, iPod and TV. Focus on the individual child and enjoy being with him. Do something both parent and child agree will be fun and leave plenty of time for conversation. Again, spend equal amounts of individual time with each twin.
Finally, remember there is no reason that parents must intervene in every conflict. Use intervention sparingly. Intervene when physical harm is likely or when unfair tactics, i.e., name calling or throwing things, are being employed. Insist that the twins learn to resolve as many of their own conflicts as they are able. Remind them that their parents won't always be there to solve their problems; they need to learn to do it for themselves.
Parental Shortcomings
As with all parenting, mistakes can happen frequently and unintentionally. The honest approach is best. Parents of multiples should acknowledge any parental shortcomings and let their children know that they will try to do better. Children can be very understanding.
Carol Baldwin - Carol Baldwin studied Philosophy at the University of Maryland, earning a BA in 1980. She attended Johns Hopkins University, where she ...
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